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Have you ever had delusions of grandeur? Overdosed on self-esteem?

I, to some degree, have. Based off of scant evidence, I think I’m one of the best writers of my age just waiting to happen.

But, “delusions,” “self-esteem”– it all sounds pretty severe, no? In most areas of life, I call myself a moderate and therefore end up over-employing the term “balance” in the face of definitive descriptions of human character and behavior. Pop psychology is my greatest guilty pleasure; I must always remind myself to appreciate it solely for its storytelling.

To me, doubt lurks behind every conversation. I may appear carefree, but inside I’m hyper-aware about living, too intense to relax, impatient on my search for the truth when I couldn’t even tell you its distinguishing features.

Maybe I’m simple-minded and just want to know what my purpose is. The next time I’m at the bus station, the first Mormon or Scientologist promoter I make eye contact with will snatch me up and set me straight.

Doubtful, that. Change is invisible, and change brought on by enforced dogmatism is unnatural. I’m just too close to the present to be able to see it. I know of one perception of mine that won’t change, though: communication is hard, and conversations gain pressure, only to dissolve in thin air.

By writing, I want to make people happy, not simply by describing the joys of waking up next to someone you love, or sitting down to eat the meal you just finished preparing. Welp, “happy” is a perfect example of a flawed psychological term. But it’s ok. What makes me happy that I can in turn provide my audience? Artistry, knowledge, and interpersonal connection, which provoke rich, sometimes new, perception. My ideal life calls for constant observation that alternates between the microscope and the telescope: savoring the ordinary while making room for the vastness of the universe.

In conversations, perhaps I can “do me” more than in content creation, to which I can at least attach my philosophy. Otherwise, it wouldn’t matter who wrote this. In both mediums, beholden to the perceptions of others, I must work to minimize confusion. That is the only factor that keeps me behind the curtain.

We can’t avoid delusions of grandeur. Without them, we wouldn’t do anything.